I suddenly know we keep hiding our ages. Its just like younger versions of me just keep popping up everywhere I go.
I remember the time when being I kept saying, “I’m young! I have time.”(Querido can testify) I knew what I wanted and was sure I had time as to when I wanted it achieved, it was perfect. I still had to both do me and then us.(find/know myself and then merge seamlessly with that one person I’d spend my life with)
There was my mantra, “I have time”.
Time to figure it out, time to grow, time to become a 2.0 version of me, time to discern black,white and all the shades of colors in between.
Then I got a call from Zanti that Sunday morning, this is what I remember :
Zanti (sobbing quietly): Hello Mama? Good Morning
Me: Hello sweetie,how are you?
Zanti (Now sobbing a little louder): Mama, Its Kandok…she’s…she’s
Me: What’s wrong with Kandok? (now panicking)
Zanti: She’s dead.
I don’t remember for how long I was in denial but I obviously didn’t want to even entertain the thought, meanwhile she’s always the one person I’ll always call, confirm, deny or probably wallow in denial something with. So, you probably understand why I preferred to just stay in denial for as long as I could.
You know those cheesy tumblr posts about how your cousins are your not only your first friends but your forever friends? I have one that caught my attention lately : “Cousins are usually the first friends we have as children. No one will ever understand your crazy family like your cousins do even if you haven’t talked much lately.”
Honestly this is pretty much my cousins, my siblings and I. We are a crazy bunch that love to dance, eat and wear asoebis to even the tiniest of our family outings.
When I heard about Kandy leaving me, my head went complete selfish on the situation, OMG! Who will hold us down when we’re beefing each other? Who will keep me in the loop with all the family gist? Who will say ,”Wait Laury, when are you back home?”
You get the gist.
Its when I was done with the selfish part of losing someone whom I love, she is both family and friend that I started thinking of all the we had been through together, the times when we ranted about our love life, our siblings or dirty little secrets. How we had been there for each other both physically and without actually being there. Then it dawned on me.
She is gone.
How can she be gone?
But she’s so young and full of life.
She was always there at the airport with mummy to pick me up when I got back home.
She is a lover and a dreamer, hungered for her own kind of adventure, just a hoping she got some of it in and lived through it all.
I love you and miss you Kandy, I’ll continue with our plans. No else has to know till they’re done but I’m on it.
P.S: There’s no real time to grow, to love yourself and then love someone. There’s really no time for anything, its an illusion, a game. A game of who lives the most before they stop living.
I want to travel the world and show the world what it means to be an Atyap girl that thought the city she grew up in was the whole world and her imagination was what consisted of “overseas” and “space”.
I’ll create a whole persona around what I believe and hope to spread a little positivity everyday and probably make people want to live better and unashamed because they just deserve to be themselves without fear of the past catching up or the bleakness of the future.